(23/APR/2018 - Global Hospital, Chennai) I felt that, by seeing Guru Maharaja going to ICU. And being helpless. Something like my heart has become stone.
When they were doing some teats, I was there and helping - they were taking blood, Guru Maharaja was suffering, and I was wiping blood. Felt that, I am really become stone hearted. Feel like running away, leaving all these, it is extremely painful to see Guru Maharajs in front my eyes, suffering and you can't help him.
That time I thought - I don't know where will I go in my next life and suffer for being present in this situation. When, he say, "Help! Help!" We couldn't do anything. I felt, why I accepted him as my Guru; why he accepted me as his disciple? Why am I came in contact with this personality? I was asking like this many questions. He was not 100% conscious. When I was thinking this way, suddenly he grabbed my hand very tightly. When I saw, him - his eyes were closed and head was down, and trying to take his oxygen, and no response. But, his hold was tight. It was like answering back to my thoughts, "You may think thousands - but, I am holding you!" I still believe that the Supreme Lord will listen to our prayers and allow our Guru Maharajs to be with us with his complete health.
Just typing these lines sitting outside the ICU. (Personal diary - Syama Rasika dasa)
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