30/AUG/2018 Stanley Hospital, Chennai)

(30/AUG/2018 STANLEY HOSPITAL, CHENNAI) Today I and Akarshaka Caitanya Prabhu in morning shift. As I am staying in ISKCON Perambur temple, it took some time to reach Stanley. And I entered ICU and Brother Vinoth was there. We started to give spongee (giving a bath with wet tissues or cotton). Guru Maharaja was just silent, looks like he was in his deep meditation. We were turning him left and right to clean his body. We know it will be painful, but we have to do it.

Then Vinoth started open the bandages, which are on top of the stitches, everyday morning they do this. It was a big L shape cut and it got stitched. I was just holding Guru Maharaja's left hand for some moral support. As Guru Maharaja was not able to tolerate the pain - when they started to clean. I was not able to tolerate the pain of seeing Guru Maharaja in pain. He was squeezing my hands in pain. My eyes couldn't resist to cry. My heart beat went up high. Felt that, I may faint. But, was tolerating so much. Finally, after completing the whole dressing I just came out to breathe some fresh air, it ten mins to com down myself. I took a sterrlium liquid and smelled it to get out of this, slowly felt that we are becoming stone hearted to see all these. When it started to melt, not able to bare the pain.

And I played His Holiness Radhanatha Swami Maharaja's video to Guru Maharaj, and Guru Maharaj was listening to each and every word that Maharaja was speaking. And tears were rolling down from his eyes. And he removed the sheets and joined his palms and lifted up to his hands up to his forehead and offered his pranams to Maharaja.

Then we made him sit on the wheel chair and started to feed his breakfast. He took kitchidi 50% then Guru Maharaja said, "I need salt!" Then we sent Amrta Madhava Prabhu to get salt. Meanwhile, I just played His Grace Bhavananda Prabhu's talk on Srila Prabhupada's Vyasa-puja day program in Mayapur. And Guru Maharaja was listening to it. Then he finished his Prasadam and went to bed.

I left the ICU and came out. I said to Akarshaka Pr to be there inside, and I will be outside, if you need my help, I will come in. I was not able to see Guru Maharaja in pain.

I felt, why not be an ordinary person - wait for the report everyday. And read it, and pray for Guru Maharaja and live a life like that. Being next to him - seeing his sufferings and pain and being helpless and saying to Guru Maharaja, "Please tolerate, nothing! Just one min!" How many times, we have to say this word? How much he can tolerate? His dedication to Srila Prabhupada and fighting with all these pains to overcome and live to fulfill all the instructions that he received from Prabhupada is amazing. No one can imagine - all of Srila Prabhupada's disciples are stars - Guru Maharaja is the Moon among those stars. I know, Guru Maharaja won't be happy with this statement. But, seeing all these being next to him, at least we can say this.

I don't know what sin I did to see my Guru suffering in front of my own eyes. And I don't know what kind of mercy is this, that I am here with him and serving him at this critical time.

Just keeping this for my record. So, by reading this I will follow his instructions as my life and soul. It is not so easy to serve him. Krishna directly running this show.

Guru Maharaja said, "When a sandal wood get grind-ed its smell will come out. When a gold get melted - the glitter will come out. When a devotee suffer his glories will come out." So, Krishna put Vaisnavas in such a suffering; that their life will become an inspiration for many people to take up Krishna Conscious and to sustain their Krishna consciousness. The whole Bhagavatam is about different devotees' extreme sufferings and their determination and firm devotion in the Lord. Future Bhagavatam will speak about Srila Prabhupada - and there will be a big chapter for Guru Maharaja in the Canto of ISKCON. (Personal Diary - Syama Rasika Dasa)